Hey stranger! Yes, You with the face!
I don’t feel like I need to explain where my missing posts are, but I kind of want to. If you guys are old faithfuls you may remember that I am going to the states for a month, followed by China for two months. Well it is all happening this week. (Not the traveling before you freak). I am turing 21. I know big happy birthday to me. To be honest this is not where I ever saw myself. As a kid I always had this idea that I would be:
- always happy and always laughing
- with long hair
- with brown hair rather than the awkward grey streak that I like so much
- excited to be legal to drink in every country
- deciding what type of swimsuit to buy (when ever I thought about this I was usually in the pool/ocean)
- not worrying about bills
- living alone or with girlfriends
- have a lover
- considering traveling to Ireland or Norway (I liked vikings, and even Japan once I was 14 was on the cards)
What really happened:
- Happy sometimes, laughing less
- stressed out
- a university drop out (technically it is true even though I am a second year in another degree)
- living at home, and happy to stay so I don’t have to move in with my wonderful boyfriend
- I have a wonderful boyfriend who I don’t love
- in pain (knees and back) constantly
- traveling to 4 Countries in one year
- I am well adapted to internet dating
- preparing for two long overseas trips in one year
- got an internship (ps guys I got accepted into an internship in china… for 6 months in 2015, scroll down for info)
- I can’t drink alcohol because I have no self control once I start
- been on and off antidepressants (this may be due to the whole happy thing)
- I’m in love with a butcher who I see everyday (scroll down for details)
Anyway as you can see I actually found out, life is not what you expect it to be. But even though there are crap days, I am happy.
So today was one of those crap days… I mean the day went well… I’m just in a odd mood.
I saw my grandmother for a few hours after sitting in traffic for 2 hours, I saw my oldest cousin who I love, I got a facial, I bought stuff (a bunch of stuff I don’t need, but will use), had 2 hours of counselling for no reason, called the air-con man, sat in traffic for a further two hours, saw my aunt and my youngest cousin, imparted advice on herbs, drank a coffee (which made me feel SOOOOO sick), came home to an empty house (my mum was in cuba for over a month, and now that she is back I talk to her less than when she was away. I get up at 5am for uni and go to bed at 8:30pm, she gets up at 11am for work and gets home at 11. sadly we are like ships passing in the night), spoke to the bank for an hour, and spent about 3 hours emailing the internship place about documents, tests, medical forms and insurance, But I went to the butchers and that made me smile.
Ok so the deal about me going to China for 6 months
I applied for an internship and I was accepted = win for me
My dad doesn’t want me to go because of what happened when I studied in the UK for a year, and got his lawyer to call me and make me change my mind (which I didn’t) *insert whiny tantrum* anyway it’s just a little hard to cope with all the forms, payments (I know I thought because it was an internship I wouldn’t have to pay- but I still have to pay for flights and insurance),insurance and health checks. So I am getting a little stressed a little snappy and a little sulky.
Last monday I volunteered for an acupuncture class to be a case study on my knee, as you know I complain about a lot of things (I only have a few things but they are the only things I talk about), and my knee pain is one of them, if you don’t remember I did it while I was in spain last year and I have had constant knee pain and swelling since. t I used a walking stick and took pregnizone steroids as treatment until I was back, the left knee began to cause pain as compensation. After numerous physio appointments, after doing a few exercises religiously and the ultrasound pusation treatment the pain died down to a manageable level. Since then my knee has always been puffy and only becomes red and gets worse after running or walking long distances, ice was used as treatment every night up from July 18th until Jan, then ice and pregnizone only during flare ups once a month up untul the 4th of May. BUT THEN I HAD ACUPUNCTURE! And just like that the swelling went down and so did the pain that I forgot I even had, which was great! until it came back, that was bad. But with regular appointments I can keep it under control. I must admit I was dancing around – probably over doing it, but how do you tell someone that they have made your life a billion times better. A weight was lifted, not a physical weight, but that was one less thing for my brain to have to deal with, especially after the session the lecturer pulled me aside and told me to go an see my GP, as the questions from the consultation had ended up sounding a lot like I had undiagnosed diabetes. Add having to control diabetes with diet to a gluten allergy and I was probably going to lose my place in the internship (they feed you as part of it). Lets just say I was a little stressed.
So like a good like health science student I went to my doctor and told her the same deal and gave her some forms for the medical, turns out the internship needed a full physical. *Awesome*
A few puncture marks later we are at a week later and I am typing away sitting at home in the dark (because I am too lazy to get up and turn the lights on), I get my blood test results tomorrow, so fingers crossed for no diabetes.
Am I Good Enough ?
As most people.. or rather like most people who worry about if they meet other peoples standards (I personally do not count myself as one of those people usually), these waves of emotions often occur after someone tells you that:
- “You aren’t any good”
- “You won’t be good at …..”
- “You should just give up”
Well this week has been breaking point.. or rather annoyance breaking point. After having multiple family members that I am making a terrible mistake in doing the internship and having a close friend (LB), who I am starting to think is less of a friend, tell me that I will suck at the job (LB is studying that field at University), I can’t help but feel a little doubtful. I don’t really want to face the ‘told you so’s’ of the people I would normally consider telling my doubts to. While I am considered a ‘spur of the moment’ kind of gal by my family and a little reckless by my friends I feel as if all the doubts in my mind have come from all this negativity and it is because they are forcing it out into the universe. So I think that while there is so much negativity from people I care about it is just misguided concern and worry more about what will happen to them rather than what will happen to me.
When ever I say this out loud I automatically thing of some bank robbers raging through america in the 40s. But in actual fact I just mean these two guys who work at the butcher shop.
Pretty Face and Eyebrows, as I call them. You can guess why they have their names.
Pretty Face and Eyebrows came into my life exactly a month ago, I went to the butchers to buy cat food, or as normal people call it, chicken. And guess who severed me? Pretty Face. I know right! I ended up getting so flustered that when he asked me some questions I completely forgot who I was, why I was there and how to talk. I wish I was kidding, I must have stood there for about 14 seconds like a stunned mullet.
Our conversations went a little like:
“hey there, what can I get you?”
and he just smiled at me (of course this happens a lot to the poor guy)
“I… I…” and by this time I was red in the face “A single chicken breast….”
“Sure thing. How was your day?”
“It was good” awkward pause, “Has it been a long day?”
“Yeah, Here’s your chicken, thats $3.20”
Yeah thats exactly what happened, but lucky for me… or unlucky for me, Eyebrows snatched me as his customer the next day when I went back, because of course I went back. And I have gone every single day rain, hail or shine… sometimes 2 times a day.
Now that I have typed that, I am beginning to think that is kind of creepy. But my point is that they are the nicest guys in the world. Each time I go, I learn more about them. Although on the rare days that Eyebrows has off, Pretty Face serves me and I always get flustered. But the highlight of my day is seeing Eyebrows, pretty pathetic I know, especially when I have a boyfriend. And today believe it or not was the first time I didn’t buy anything from them, I still went to the shops after running around and having a little cry over how confusing travel insurance is, but sadly they were packed up so I waved as usual and did the rest of my shopping.
You’re 21 today
My birthday is not for a few more days thank god but I have noticed that as I have gotten older my circle of friends expanded and contracted. I’m chasing up old friends who never RSVPed to invitations to find them changed and different – to be expected. But the feelings that we used to be so close and now aren’t is very difficult. but more interestingly than anything. I always assumed I would have a huge birthday for my 21st, but with my parents divorced, it has resulted in two celebrations, which anyone would be thrilled with… Just not me.
With my parents family and friends making up 40 people each at these parties I feel almost embarrassed by my small circle of friends who I have come to see are the ones worth keeping. Not embarrassed by the people, but the number. When I have always organised things in the past, 30 people I invited, all with +1 would turn up, but now that I need confirmation on attendance the number has shrunk to 1/4. It is an odd feeling that I haven’t decided how to interpret.
All I wanted was to see all the people I love, maybe have a bbq in a park, but my parents have both other ideas. With out of state family members flying in, it seems a little over the top. But as I have assumed this whole time, as my dad says, “It is my Party, it is just your birthday”, which is fair enough, he is paying for it. But perhaps the point is that I didn’t want anything fancy or expensive. Just a few friends and family all together. After thinking about it (which is something I don’t do too often) I realised that it is more for him, to say that he is doing ok. And if that means he is ok, then that’s ok.
Renting my room
I feel like this is probably the biggest stress, between my current obsession of keeping up with the following tv shows:
- Game of Thrones
- The Mindy Project
- watching all the old alias episodes starting from season one
Studying, forgetting to practice my Mandarin, going to the butchers, trying to sleep, planing my two months in china and dealing with my internship. I am also renting out my room…
I feel like instead of moving out I am revering back to my minimal phase, (you can read a bunch of my posts on that HERE, HERE and HERE) which I had kicked to the kerb as I brought back stress and material lusts into my life. I think the reason why I am cutting down is that I will be gone for 9 months over the next 12 months. It may not sound like a lot to you but I think that if I can keep the majority of my things here I won’t really have ‘moved out’. It isn’t that big of a deal, but the idea of having to move all my favourite things to my boyfriends house and leave them there is a little upsetting. I would rather keep a backpack full of things at my parents homes.
So instead of working on my Pathology assignment like I was supposed to on the weekend I painted my furniture and went through things… So far I have come to the realisation that I do not need 465 books in total and have since give 236 of them to the church next door (I don’t even know if they will want some of them). the remaining 200 something I have written my name inside the cover and will proceed to lend them to people, making a list of their new homes for the next year.
As for my objects, the two flutes I swore I would play every day, the mountains of textbooks I need to keep for when I eventually go into practice, the Crystal Ball I got for my 19th Birthday, my frog collection I managed to salvage, the rock and stones I collected and *hid* in the garden so I wouldn’t have to include them in my original purge are all on gumtree waiting to find homes.
But back to the point after my rambling, I am getting rid of things so that I can still keep the majority of my things, in a backpack in the hall cupboard. Originally I was going to move in with le boyfriend for the few months, I even think I may have mentioned it in an old post, but thankfully I came to my sense and realised He was not the one.
Not the one for me to be immature to. He is ready to settle down and get married… and well me… I’m daydreaming about butchers. The question is, do I ruin our trip to China or let him have a great time.
While most people may say that they would rather know sooner rather than later, wouldn’t you rather enjoy a months holiday with someone you like (and don’t want to strangle)? than be trapped with someone you hate for an entire month or lose a bunch of money over?
I actually think I would rather know after, or down the track. but you never know I may fall in love with him yet.
Am I turning into ‘that girl’, who is a bad person?
To me ‘that girl’ is not an ‘it girl’ it is not a good thing. It is that friend who:
- exaggerates how well they know someone (I recently found myself doing this and felt horrible after: A friend of mine (LB)works with another friend’s(MK) friend(JQ), I have never met JQ, but because LB and MK always talk about them I felt like I knew them, I know right! CRAZY WEIRD, I actually want to kick myself . So when Lb would mention JQ I always referenced them by the nick name MK called them, even though I had never met them)
- is a bitch about getting her own way (I wouldn’t necessarily tick this box for myself, it is more: I know best and I already tried it your way but I don’t want to admit that the first time I tried it wasn’t right)
- doesn’t apologies when they did something wrong (I don’t feel this applies to me)
- Is a bitch to other people (I didn’t really ever think I was unlikable until: POW, I met a LB’s work college who I spoke to for 5 minutes (LB constantly complains about how much this person teases them in a not friendly way), and they told LB that they didn’t like me. I was shocked at first and a little hurt… then I realised they had every reason to not like me. I wasn’t nice to them and I made them feel inferior (I felt so terrible about that when I got home so I don’t think I have quiet reached the trampling on peoples feelings stage without caring, but I was shocked to realise I had let it get that far).
- is mean or says hurtful things about others (Tick! again this has to do with LB, it’s not like I am blaming them for me acting like a horrible person, but for some reason I guess I just realise it more when I am around LB (- LB is a really nice person, she loved to cook and clean, never done drugs, has only just started to start drinking alcohol, never had a boyfriend/kissed a boy – I think the reason I am acting like such a nasty person is because I am jealous of how ‘together’ she is) Again I have never met the person which I insulted (it was a misunderstanding but I will explain what happened and you can hate me a little and unsubscribe if you managed to read through this long long post), and what makes me feel worse is that I didn’t mean it like an insult, the story is, LB had the biggest crush on CT, CT works with LBs brother and wasn’t interested in LB when I first told her to let him know she liked him (my bad, but I thought it was the best idea at the time, this was 6 months ago) since then she has wallowed on and off about him and was complaining about how he was flirting with her on and off-( now I am not saying that he wasn’t flirting, but I took a shot in the dark that maybe he just wasn’t interested,). She would go on and on about how everyone her brother worked with would tease CT about not having a Girlfriend, and constantly brought up that CTs workmates would often call her his girlfriend as a joke, rather than hurt LBs feeling by this as this was the first guy she liked, I just gave a few reasons that maybe he wasn’t interested in her, 1. maybe he was seeing someone already, 2. maybe he just didn’t want a girlfriend or to date 3. maybe he was gay – and I really didn’t mean it in a bad way, although now I feel terrible about it, because her brother heard me and promptly told CT the next day, which spread through the workplace like wildfire that LB’s friend (me ) had said that, I thought it would just blow over but it turns out that has been a topic on which CT had been harassed about before. 4. Maybe Ct was not interested in Lb because he was friends with her brother. ( What LB told me next made me feel worse than ( 1. if finding out something you said had gotten back to the person you said it about and 2. Having it be a topic that CT was bullied on int he past ) Apparently she had tried to defend what I said by explaining what she interpreted as ‘he looked gay’ (while that wasn’t what I said I am angry that what I said was absorbed like that. And I didn’t mean it in a stereotypical fashion – which right now I am finding it hard to explain how I meant it – but I’ll just point out that I had never actually met this person either) and I conclude that while it was a HUGE misunderstanding I feel terrible that I could have made someone feel bad about their self image).
So after that long winded post about nothing and everything bad I have done in the last month, Thank you for reading my tale of misunderstandings and having things interpreted differently.
- Have a few experiences where your misunderstandings or things that you have said have come back to bite you in the ass?
- Have a friend who is more an arch enemy than friend?
- Have anything you feel is interesting? Because god knows I have no filter when I write
so leave a comment below!
Also I really forgot to mention the most important part: I have Finals. But on the bright side you guys will get to see all my notes on case studies I have done either as practice/ prep for exams/assignments.