Breakdown of the Day

Today something happened to me which hasn’t happened in a while. IRRATIONALITY!
the spontaneous tears.
After getting a call from a marketing company and having to explain to them why I can’t buy and sample their wines anymore I found myself in tears, hating everyone and anything.
To be honest I thought I was over the pity parties, but today on the phone was the realization that it doesn’t work like a magic wish.

Struggling to say no to alcohol is a very real problem for me. I have been sober for only three months in this stint, not the longest but defiantly it’s just as hard as every time before.

I found that having to speak to someone who’s job it is to sell alcohol, and figuratively put it down their throats over the phone, to be the most difficult of all.

I personally very much have the approach to dealing with my alcohol and mental health related problems to pretend it doesn’t exist… Well blogging is that little pity party. Sure I go to sessions, but the words don’t exactly escape my lips in leaps in bounds.

But the man I spoke to on the phone who was reading a specific selling speil didn’t seem to understand no was no. After trying to explain that I couldn’t drink alcohol for the third time because I couldn’t handle it, the man tried to be coy and said:

you don’t mean ‘can’t’ you mean won’t

I don’t know what it was but something in me wanted to explain for the fourth time. I could have hung up but I kept going. I was riled up for some reason as if I had to defend myself. I know it was so silly but I was so upset that I had to justify that i couldn’t buy his silly product just because he said he understood.
I don’t know if it bothers who is suffering from a disorder, mental or physical, and someone says they are too but doesn’t understand the limitations.

While in my hysterics I was trying to explain that I was an alcoholic, something I find difficult to admit to, the man chimed in that he was one also, yet continued to push the alcohol, saying that “since you are an alcoholic, you must love alcohol, so why don’t you get it?” What kind of person exactly does that?

I feel like I am having a tantrum over something so small (I actually know it is small) but I feel how I feel.

I haven’t burst into tears on the phone to a marketer for a long long long time…. And while it left me feeling empty and hateful inside I realized that that man was doing his job, while he did it in not an appropriate manner, I was the one who got upset because he wouldn’t drop it ( I realize now I could have simply hung up). But how many sales reps have someone crying on the phone in hysterics?

…. Actually don’t answer that, there are probably a number of them.


I think deep down I knew it was irrational to get upset but on the plus side I must have really wanted to get it off my chest.


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